So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.- John 8:36

On the hour, I used to think this question of "where I come from.I also afraid of death, because I think after I die, will no longer know anything happening in the world.Whenever the thought of this, then I fear in my heart.I want to, I what is the purpose of live in this world?I ask myself, "why would dead?"I fear death, also don't want to die.

My atheism education told me: people only the material body without the spirit, death as the lights went out.But when I look in the mirror, the mirror and I looked at my eyes, I seem to feel something in me.I asked the mirror, "who are you (me)?"I don't know who I am, I can't find the answer to the above problem.My parents often education I said: "don't think too much too far, learn English well, everywhere."

Later, the "learn English well, everywhere" slogan, accompanied with me through the happy childhood, young and idealistic youth full of longing.And those questions about the origin and destination, because of my personal pursuit of good prospects, and was buried in my heart.

My master degree in 1993, a coastal city of the south for three years.I a to the unit work, immediately feel discarded in a backwater in the mud.Don't see any future personal career, everyone in the intrigue against each other for their own interests, power and money ground together.The past is a good classmate once became the QiuYuan enemy.I was pressing having been used at the time, have a feeling of being deceived.Later when newlywed wife came to my side, she saw my inner anguish, we decided to fate, we are going to leave the wrong place.

It was a lifelong unforgettable day to me.Years let me experience the cruelty of life, let me see the human nature ugly nature: people hypocrisy, mutual pour, intrigue, mercenary.I feel in that environment, I is a waste of life, chronic suicide.Because the company near the airport, then I like standing on the balcony upstairs to see the plane took off, I hope and believe that one day we will like the plane, from the suppression of environment and the power take-off and tenacious, ascended on high, fly freely.

In 1996, my wife and I to Shanghai at the same time, which can be read again she read pharmic graduate student, I studied biochemistry PhD student of Chinese academy of sciences.Came to the United States in 1999 after I graduated from Dr Directly, at Johns Hopkins University (John Hopkins University) as a postdoctoral research.When learning English at that time, my wife met the church's friend.They asked her to go to bible study and church, and she felt the atmosphere is very good, music is very beautiful, poetry also advised me to go.I said that I here from domestic to bring a lot of pop music CD, I can give you create a good atmosphere.She said the atmosphere of the church is not the same as you make the atmosphere, in the church's sing atmosphere, you can feel warm in heart calm and harmonious, and the church friends love is particularly large, people are very modest and friendly.

I still insist on not to, I think this world there is no god.People who not your rely on?I hate to preach, hate false religious life, hate of religious people's ideas.I say to the wife, we should actively life of religion is to let people negative life.But she still went to the church.

The window from home on a Sunday afternoon, when I looked at her in the street alone towards the back of the church, the in the mind feel lonely lost, what seems to her love for me was seized.Later we often quarrel between, both sides feel each other no longer love yourself.Once again I feel lost, I to achieve the goal of coming to the United States, but my life is such as scientific research or to work in the company, what is the purpose of my life?Why the money still not happy?Why the first time we are husband and wife lost love deeper feelings as strong as death?

One Sunday afternoon I come home from laboratory, wife went to church was not at home.At the end of the Sunday worship, I decided to go to hear a few minutes, and then I eat a free dinner.Went to the church, the priest in a bending the generation of the dark, I don't agree.Clearly outside sunny autumn leaves are red, but he said is bending the darkness.Home after dinner, I say to the wife, later don't go to, the church is the weak place, church as to deceive the religious propaganda, don't waste time and money on nothing in the hypocrisy of religion.And I said, "if with you to go to church, our feelings, they say that god is bad."The wife is really no longer go to church later.

In October 2000, the usmoveThere is a little things touches my heart hardened.We from a Japanese student bought an old big shelf, but we don't have a car move.A young Christian couple will silently that bookshelf moved to their room first, because of the Japanese students and the couple live in the same building), and then take up to a big car to help we sent over.This to them for help me silently very touched, because I help others is pregnant with the future one day I will use your mind.

Later, IDriving a carTo and from work.I like to listen to local radio band FM95.1 when driving, because of the music of the radio sounds good, let me upset after listening to the impetuous heart calm down, let me feel comfort.The music has a detached secular state and strength.Later I learned that it is a Christian sacred music song.Now I know that god borrowed Christian silently help and music to soften the warm me hard, cold heart.People need love, my heart need love.

My wife and I went to church for laterThanksgiving DayThe party, I argue with a Christian.I said there is no god, I am who I am god, the god of my fate in my hands.The christians and calmly said, "one day you will find that you are not a god, you was just a ordinary people."At the dinner, I saw an old man's house, though with disabilities have the language barrier, in the church to help set the table chairs and services for everyone, but his face set off from the inner bright smile.That smile touched me deeply.He is a disabled people, not the power of the life, had no higher education, it can help others, love of his life force where it came from?

At this point I know Christian and I have a different life.They are optimistic, calm, from the inside out is selfless love.I admire this is not the same life.

After the end of January 2001 on Friday night we went to a bible study, most of them are townsend University (Townson University) students.They are talking about "Jesus is the light of the world".I don't understand the content of the bible, but they just plain character, selfless love, sincere smile, deeply attracted me.

We went to the second Friday night.This time, is the Gospel of John 9:1-12, Jesus healed blind from birth.And I said, "if Jesus god, why to heal a blind man so complicated?To spit on the ground, with spittle and mud in the eyes of the blind, and then eyes to wash in the pool of siloam pool also blind."A Christian said, "Jesus at Jericho has miraculous signs directly touch the eyes of the blind, he saw at once."When I hear these no longer debate, the words of the christians and sincere attitude, but I think I have a mad rebel psychology.

That night they asked me to don't believe in Jesus, I said that I still can't accept this kind of love, for god.They pray for I ask god to open my mind.When my heart is very calm, feel very warm.The next day, it is Saturday, my wife and I took part in the churchThe Spring FestivalMusic party. Grace is Lord wilmington to Baltimore.

They sing a song, while slide interpretation of god's love.There are three picture touches my heart deeply.The first picture is a child sitting on the table to write homework, it reminds me of my hours learning situation, then study well testing a good result is my goal in life.The second picture is many, many at the crossroadsRide a bicycleEd by a red light, when I think of reading in Shanghai to ride a bicycle, I am with the trend of the out of the country came to North America in search of the American dream.The third picture is the back of an elderly couple, they bought food from the market hand in hand, carrying a basket to go home.This reminds me of my parents, they work life for our children, because of his love for all the effort we can on us.They are old, they the next station is the terminus of the journey in life: death.The buried in my heart issue come out again: why people die?If people die, such as lights, people alive what is the purpose, significance?If people die, such as lights, life is like a circle: birth, growth, aging and death.If waiting for my end is death, why on earth I struggled hard to live?If death all to draw a line under, all suffering, hard, hard, hard, a brilliant achievement, and fame, money, career, all is vanity.